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A Review of the Protour Teams - Sort Of

By Jessica | Permalink | No Comments | May 15th, 2007 | Trackback

A friend of mine passed this rundown of the Protour teams along to me (thanks, Steph!) and I have to admit - at first, I was reading it and thinking, “No, that’s not true! That’s wrong!” And then I realized it was supposed to be. Yeah, I was a little slow on the uptake for a minute there, but I eventually figured it out.

At any rate, it is very long, but well worth reading the whole thing. There are gems throughout. And really, anyone that describes Robbie McEwen as a “fast moving, parasitic feral weasel/boy” has got to be okay by me. Some of my favorites include:

One-hit wonder Salvodeli won the Giro about a hundred years ago, is a great descender, and is nicknamed “il Falco,” which is the name he used when recording his only musical hit, “Rock Me, Amadeus.”

(I then had that song running through my head as I read the rest of the post, although I have a very hard time picturing Paolo himself singing it.)

The name Fran├žaise Des Jeux, which means “French Pleasuring,” signifies the team’s primary sponsor, an enormous brothel on the outskirts of Marseille which is typically frequented by sailors, lonely shepherds, and degenerate Hollywood actors on their way to do some poverty gawking in Africa following the Cannes film festival. … Like Predictor-Lotto, the name sponsor does not provide cash but offers payment-in-kind to the team. Consequently, although most of the riders are homeless, starving, and suffering from syphilis, theirs is one of the happiest teams on the ProTour.

The [Liquigas] sponsor is a manufacturer of sanitary pads for men, and consumers of Mexican food, for those occasions when one’s trust and belief that an impending fart will be dry, gaseous, and not containing any solids or liquids, has been sadly misplaced.

Michael Rasmussen is included because he is a concentration camp survivor, and if you don’t believe this, google his name until you find a picture of him with his shirt off. He is a walking testimony to man’s inhumanity to himself.

Milram typically rolls into the final 10 kilometers of any race in an impressive eight man long leadout train. As if a single unit, they push the speed to unthinkable levels, dragging their protected sprinter (Allie Jet) to within 200 meters of the line, shedding riders out the back of the peloton like a meth freak shedding teeth. They grind the other teams down, and in a perfectly timed maneuver, the Milram leadout men peel off to the side one at a time, totally blown out, but satisfied in having done a perfect job of controlling the pack, pushing the pace, and delivering their star sprinter to the moment of truth. At that point, Robbie McEwen typically pops out from behind Petacchi and sprints to the line for the win. That too, is the God’s honest truth. Sad, but there it is.

Okay, let me get this straight. Lotto is a gambling house. Francais des Jeaux is sponsored by the French national lottery. Astana is owned by Kazakhstanis. Rabobank and Credit Agricole are investment banks among other things, and Bouyges Telecom and T-Mobile are telecom monopolists. Fifty riders are believed to be implicated heavily in Eufemiano’s little doping operation, and the French lab charged with testing riders for dope appears to be more crooked than your average machine politician. But the Pro Tour has a problem with Unibet because its primary line of business involves gambling, and that would give cycling an unsavory image? Mmmmmkay…

Really, the whole thing is brilliant. You’ll need to set aside some time to read the whole thing, but it’s highly recommended. Just don’t take it too seriously and you’ll be fine.





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